Love, Luck & Life

There are moments where I am completely overwhelmed with how lucky I am. Overwhelmed to the point of tears. Overwhelmed to the point of laughter. Overwhelmed to the point exhaustion. I don't mean lucky that I get to stay home. Or lucky that I have a wonderful husband. Or lucky that I have two amazing little boys. I mean lucky that I'm alive. Lucky that my house is standing. Lucky that I'm not waiting for medical care that may not ever arrive. I'm watching some of the footage from the Haiti earthquake and I am literally heartbroken. I imagine that I'm searching for one of my boys in that destruction and I am paralyzed. I'm nauseous. I'm panicked. I'm stunned. That sort of devastation, physically, emotionally, visually, is unfathomable to me and yet so possible. Like the tsunami in Thailand; these people were going on with their day to day lives. Working, eating, making beds, doing laundry, having sex, disciplining kids, having affairs, I mean very real, everyday things and then their world stopped. And will never be the same. I can't watch too much of the footage because it does upset me. I imagine living in that hell and I can hardly breath. It does make me laugh at myself and realize that those small things are really just small things. When I start to worry if I should hold Nate as he falls asleep or lay him in his crib, or if Owen can watch one more youtube video, I laugh and do what feels right, right now. Because that may be all I have.